May 18th, 2012 by Edward Miller

Dry Ice
Dry Ice
Global Warming is a pesky problem. Like fiscal austerity measures, people say that we need to tighten our buckles and pay various taxes. I choose door 3.

I’ve often thought that the silly thing about commodity-based money is that you have to hoard it away in vaults, and it sits there doing nothing. What could be more pointless? Well, there is something we would like to sit in vaults: CO2.

That’s right, I’m proposing we use CO2 as money. Within a year, I guarantee there’d be a huge gold rush to suck that stuff right out of the sky.

How would we trade with people? Simple… dry ice. Dry ice is just the solid form of CO2. Now, I know what you’re thinking: dry ice burns your skin. But don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine. Put a little casing around it, and – presto – you’ve got coins, baby!

Now you’re thinking, but doesn’t dry ice evaporate? Why yes, yes it does. But that is good! We need some to stay in the air or the plants won’t be able to breathe. But now you’re thinking that means the money loses value over time. Maybe so, but that just means it has some built-in demurrage, so that is actually a strength!

Or you could wimp out and store it in canisters, and then put it in the Carbon Bank and then receive your CO2 certificates. You know, carbon credits. It’s the “Trade” without the “Cap.”

What could possibly go wrong? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Hopefully this can be implemented by Monday.

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November 30th, 2007 by Edward Miller

In the event of emergency rule declared by George W Bush at the end of his term, leading to a refusal to relinquish power, my immediate reaction would be one of outrage. Without hesitation, I would go to Starbucks and rant about how bad the situation has become.

While sipping my $5.99 latte, I would use the Starbucks WiFi hotspot to email all my e-friends about the urgent need for more coffee shop meetups. I would then go home, pour a glass of organic soymilk, and valiantly blog about the virtues of democratic governance and the need to maintain the civil liberties that had been constitutionally guaranteed for over two hundred years.

As I meticulously document all 452 legal justifications for impeachment, I would sporadically shop on urbanoutfitters.com to find good consumer merchandise with which to display my authenticity as a true member of the anti-establishment. Seeing my anti-dictatorship Facebook group swell, I may decide to create a humorous YouTube video that sends a powerful message to the thousands of other petty bourgeois politicos inspiring them to make YouTube videos of their own, set to Green Day’s best-selling album American Idiot.

Looking around the country, I begin to wonder why Bush has no serious challenges to his power, despite the near unanimous hatred of him. However, with no more Democrats who will pretend to support progressive policies, I will be driven toward anomic behavior such as writing melodramatic poetry.

While sitting in my armchair watching Keith Olbermann, it would dawn on me… it is all my fault. Eventually social tension, famine, overpopulation, biowarfare, the militarization of space, and global warming will overtake the planet and consume most of humanity. From the wreckage, there will arise clans of subterranean mutants led by cannibalistic warlords who will fight in vain over the scraps of the dying wasteland once called Earth.

At the last minute, a lone group of eccentric technophilic billionaires will escape to outer space in a self-sustaining capsule, but megalomaniacal in-fighting among them seemingly seals the extinction of the human race. Just then, an AI saves the day.

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